Changing Your Spouse

Ok… Confession time.

Who among you, my dear readers, have not thought about changing their spouse.  We are not talking about swapping your spouse out for a newer model.  Far from it.

But, be honest…

Everyone who has ever been married has thought about things they would change about their spouses behavior if they could.  This is pretty natural.  In this fallen world, if our eye is not fixed on God, we naturally want to change the other person.  After all we are perfect just the way we are right?

Ok… Double confession time.  We may have tricked you into reading this article.

If there is one thing that we hear most of all from “new” students of ours its:  “How can I change my spouse from X (whatever behavior they don’t like) to Y (whatever behavior they approve of)?”

Here is the truth about changing your spouse…

YOU CAN’T!  

No matter how much you want to, no matter how much you try to impose your will upon them, the simple fact is, no one can change your spouse, but your spouse.

Knowing this as truth down to our core, the title of this article may have lead you to believe that we posses the “secret formula” you could use to finally mold your spouse into the person you want them to be.  We don’t, and if you ever run into someone saying that they do possess the “secret formula” run far away from that charlatan! 

Yet… although we have no secret formula.  We do offer truth.  The truth that you can encourage change in your spouse, by changing the way you communicate to your spouse and about your spouse to the outside world.

The Rule of TEN

People tend to live up to expectations.  If we call a child “stupid” every day of his young life, they tend to become the very thing we project upon them.  I have seen this phenomena play out with my own children.  When my now 12 year old was still in public (he was 7 at the time) school the teacher consistently put him into the remedial reading group.

When we took him out of public school and started teaching him at home we were hit daily with him saying “I 

am no good at reading.”  When asked why he thought this about himself, we found out that being in the brown group (remedial group) at school meant he was no good at reading. 

Side note: You think they could have picked a better color for those who needed a little extra help.

We fought that battle for quite some time, and now he is a very strong reader and reads books most high school age kids would struggle with.  Turns out he just needed some encouragement.

This phenomena works the same way in marriage. 

Introduce the rule of TEN into your marriage by asking these questions before you speak and watch the magic happen:

• True:  Is what you are about say about your spouse true?  If it’s not, don’t say it.
• Edify: Is what your about to say about your spouse edifying? That is, does it build them up and make them feel better about themselves?  If not, don’t say it.
• Necessary: Is what you are about to say necessary or relevant to the current situation?  If it’s not, don’t say it.

The rule of TEN not only works for marriage relationships but will work in every situation you find yourself in day to day.  Get in the habit of working through this rule of TEN in your mind before you make a comment about someone, especially your spouse.  Positive things will begin to happen, if positive words are spoke.

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