Small Moments Make a Big Difference

The trauma inflicted upon a marriage by the acts of infidelity are devastating. The victim is crushed and left to swim in self doubt. The cheater (once they take ownership of what they did) is placed in a state of grief with feelings that they are unworthy of forgiveness. Adultery in a marriage is one of the hardest things to overcome. Many have compared the emotional pain to be in the same realm as to when a spouse or loved one dies.

From Tragedy to Triumph

We knew we had a hard road ahead. We knew that the statistics were not on our side. There was going to be more pain before we began to see progress. The light at the end of the tunnel was dim and so far out of reach, but we were committed. Committed to the fact that I still loved her and she still loved me. Committed to fixing what had been broken. Committed to going through the tunnel together hand in hand.

In this article I will outline three key moments that drew us together during the healing process. I am convinced that these three moments set us on the right path. While reading them try to relate them to your situation. Take control of your tragedy and turn it into a triumph. I will at the end give you my thoughts onto what changed in us at each moment. These changes are what made all the difference.

Three Key Moments:

Get In The Trenches
I was having a real tough day. I couldn’t get the images of her cheating out of my mind. It was very early on in our attempt to reconcile and things were not looking good. I was crying, I just wanted to crawl into a ball and stay there.

My wife could only say to me take it easy…take it easy. I had just about had enough. I looked at her with my tear riddled face and said “This is how it is….you need to get in the trenches with me and fight.” I could see from the look on her face that she understood.

Earn It
I was at home with our 3 year old son. My wife was out running an errand, I expected her a 7 p.m. It was 6:20 p.m. on that Sunday when my phone rang and my wife’s voice came over the speaker.

She wanted to let me know she was on her way home and wanted to talk to me the whole way home. She had never done this before. I asked her why? She said she wanted to “earn it.” I found out later what she meant.

Monster Under The Bed
It was late on a Tuesday and both my wife and I had to be at work very early the next morning. However, my three year old son was just not cooperating. Every 10-15 minutes he was up at our bed telling us there was a monster under his bed. We would say to him there are no such things as monster and shoo him back to bed.

This cycle repeated itself about 6 times before we had enough and decided to escort my son back to his bed to prove to him that there was indeed no monster under his bed. Kneeling down next to his toddler bed, we tucked him in and proceeded in giving the “there is no such thing as monsters speech.” When suddenly out from under the bed stretched out a paw that quickly batted my son in the head three times before disappearing back from wince it came. “Goblin” my son said. My wife and I were immediately crippled with laughter.

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These three moments defined the healing phases for my wife and I. The first one, “in the trenches,” was the first time my wife honestly could see just how much she had hurt me. She could actually feel the pain and was able to then empathize going forward.

The second one, “earn it,” was the first time my wife acknowledged she understood that the trust I once had in her had been shattered. She was in fact going to have to earn it back. Anyone that is going through affair-recovery will tell you that communication about ones whereabouts is critical to regaining trust. She was coming to terms with this.

The third one, “monster under the bed,” was the first time my wife and I had laughed together since the affair happened. This was our signal that we were going to be all right. I thank God for that cat under my sons bed that night.

I urge you to look for your own moments of change. To take them and hold on to them. They will become your beacons that guide you through the tunnel.

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