Is Marriage Counseling for Us?

One of the very first pieces of (often unsolicited) advice people give to a couple who is having troubles is to go to marriage counseling. This sounds like a good idea at first glance. Who couldn’t use a unbiased 3rd party to help administer some of the healing/rebuilding process?

True, having a person in your corner that places the preservation of your marriage in high importance is very helpful… but is paying a counselor your only option, the best option or a complete waste of time?  

In our case we did not go to counseling. Now don’t get me wrong the thought did cross our minds a time or two, but as we researched it just didn’t seem like our best option. Lets look at a few things to consider before employing the help of a marriage counselor.

1) Are You Both Willing and Able to Work on the Marriage?
You can’t make this decision for your spouse, and dragging an unwilling participant to a counseling session is asking for more trouble. You will be just wasting your time and money. 

Answer these questions before going any further:

-Are both of you 100% dedicated to the rebuilding process?
-Are you both wiling to take responsibility for your portion of the marriage troubles?
-Are both spouses open to the idea of couples counseling?
-Are both parties actions matching his or her words?  It one thing to say your willing to work on things it’s entirely another thing to actually do it…

2) Research…
When we were looking for a counselor we found it rather hard to find one specializing in post-affair (our special need) recovery. In fact, we could not find any in our area at all. The ones we did find were more general marriage counselors, they said they could help but we weren’t sold. Also, We found it odd that all of them wanted us to fill out an entire books worth of paper work for their file.

Seriously? We’re supposed to build our own file and still pay you $150-$250 an hour each time we meet. We understood writing about our problems would be cathartic in a way, but if we are flipping the bill, why don’t you write and we will talk.  

Ok, to be honest we were probably getting a little nit-picky.  Seriously though, ever single one we contacted needed us to fill out this mountain of paperwork before we could even get started… and we hate paper work.  Plus not one of the ones we contacted (approx. 50+) had actually been through the rebuilding process themselves, we didn’t like that at all.

I’m sure there are reputable counselors out there with a great track records helping couples through the rebuilding process, just none in our area at the time.  We did most of the heavy lifting concerning rebuilding our marriage kind of “pre-internet” so that avenue was not really available to us as it is today.   

Answer these question when doing the research:

-Does the counselor specialize in rebuilding marriages?
-What’s their track record of success?
-Have they personally been through the rebuilding process themselves? -Ok, this might not be important to you…but it was to us, we really wanted someone that has “been there – done that” in our corner…one of the main reasons we started Wedlock Warriors was to supply this to the marketplace. 
-Why did they choose to be a counselor?
-Are they simply going to be a mediator between your spouse and you or do they offer a road-map to success?

3) Can You Afford Counseling?
This might seem like a big “duh” moment…but seriously, can you afford it? Can you afford it financially and mentally?  

The “marriage counseling” business is just that..a business!  Expect to pay a premium for those out there that are getting results. Cost in the $200 an hour range are not unheard of… expect to meet with the counselor for a minimum of an hour week for a few months at least.  Can your budget handle this? 

Here’s the deal, we would have happily paid whatever someone asked if we thought for sure they would be able to help us out…without hesitation… we are just saying be sure that they actually can help you before dolling out the cash.

Are you mentally prepared to drudge through the “knitty-gritty” parts of your marriage with a stranger face to face every week?  A hour a week might not seem like a long time, but if you are currently in the throws of a struggling marriage…a hour is an eternity.  This puts a lot of additional strain on an already stressed situation.  Can both of you “hack it”?

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Deciding to use a marriage counselor needs to be a team effort. Picking the right one for your relationship is paramount. When its all said and done, there might be none in your area or in your price range. That’s OK, we didn’t use one and we turned out great. We read just about everything out there on the subject, we researched together, we worked as a team, we got on a road-map to success. After all that is the most important element. Are you and your spouse willing to go through the hard work in rebuilding your marriage?

If yes, counselor or no counselor you are halfway there.

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PS: Is your marriage in crisis?  It’s not to late, download the FREE report “The 5 Immediate Steps You Need To Start Rebuilding Your Marriage Today”