The Big Wish

When your marriage is going through a rough spot, the natural tendency is to want/wish to go back to the time before all the trouble started to appear. 

After all, this kind of thinking makes (on the surface) sense. It would be nice to jump onto a time machine and go back to the way it was… before the pain of trying to fix things set in… before the problems you are experiencing were exposed…before the tears.

Anyone who as ever been through a tough spot in their marriage has thought this.  We for sure thought this when our marriage was in crisis.

It’s perfectly natural.  The human experience, as it is, is more apt at avoiding pain than embracing it. 

Just ask anyone who has ever woke up and drove an hour or more to a job they hate why they do it…  

The typical answer is because they “have to”… which might be a semi-true statement.  The bigger truth is that they show up to the job they hate everyday because the financial pain of not having the job weighs more heavily than the pain of actually doing the job itself.

That’s the real truth.  Pain avoidance.   

Yet, it is this very kind of thinking that will hold your marriage back from moving forward if you allow it to linger for too long.

Here’s why…

Embrace the Suck

 

We understand the pain you are going through.  Rebuilding your marriage is one of the most intense trails your life will ever face, that’s for sure.

But you should not want to go back to the way it used to be.

Here’s the point… 

Wanting to “go-back” is a huge mistake in thinking!  Coming from where you were has gotten you where you are right now!  Would you want to go back and start the same cycle over again?  

No!  

The only way we move forward into a brighter future is to cast off the idea that we had it better in the past.  Not only is this very unlikely, it is actually a very self destructive thought.

Listen, we had the same thoughts as we struggled through our rebuilding process.  What we were really asking for was not to go back to the past but for the present pain to go away.  The pain of rebuilding can overwhelm a couple at times.  This is to be expected.

However, no matter how much we wished the pain to go away we understood that if we were going to really remake our marriage, we needed to do some serious house cleaning.

We would have never discovered how to navigate through life with each other as husband and wife if we had not first decided to accept the pain that comes with the rebuilding process.

In short, we had to “embrace the suck.”

The saying “embrace the suck” actually comes from the military. When young men are forced into unbelievably harsh conditions, be it from war or training, they either endure or they fail.  The only redemption they have is that they are sharing in the same level of suck as everyone else on the mission with them.  Thus, they all “embrace the suck” together.

The attitude of “accepting that the pain of the mission will not go away until the mission is complete” has been serving our military men for many years. 

This attitude can serve you as well as you rebuild your marriage.

In fact, the pain you are experiencing now is a good pain, much like the pain an athlete endures to get stronger.  Embrace it!  This means you are on the right path, the path to real and lasting change in your marriage.  This is good!

This means you’re changing, you’re growing and you’re figuring things out!  Awesomeness!  

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