Danger Ahead…
“We are just too different”
“He/She doesn’t understand me anymore…”
“We just fell out of love”
“We got married too young”
“I can’t love completely until I learn to love myself more”
Justification
Have you ever caught yourself saying any of these things? If so, you are not alone. It seems those phrases are all too common in conversations of friends. Those phrases are go much deeper than they seem though…
Each one of the the listed phrases, as well as a great many others, serve as a justification for thoughts you may be beginning to have. In the book “Anatomy of Peace” by the Arbinger Institute, there is a story that defines justification. The character talks about how in the construction profession, justification is used when there is a crooked wall or beam.
In this case, “justification” literally means to make straight again. The character then goes on to say that justification in our lives is only there to make straight a crooked thought or idea.
If you are catching yourself saying any of these phrases or similar ones, back up and think through what triggered that thought. What was your “crooked” thought that needed justification?
Take a look at these marriage myth and see if you’re using justification to support these myths?
Top 3 Marriage Myths
In “The Power of a Positive Wife” by Karol Ladd, she lists three “marriage myths”.
Myth #1: “There is one true love out there for me. I must find him (her), and live happily ever after”.
The real danger of this myth, which many believe by the way, is that when there is trouble, you start to really question your marriage. Rather than linking arms and boldly fighting together as a couple, he or she may begin to think they must have married the “wrong” person.
Every relationship has struggles…that is how they become stronger! An athlete will push the muscles to the point of failure sometimes so that the they can heal and become stronger. If there was never a strain on the muscle, it would never grow. That is how relationships work too! If there is never a challenge, you will become stagnant and weak. The trick is to use each other as a strength and tool to come out on the other side stronger as a united couple!
Myth #2: “In order to love others, I must first love myself”.
The truth to a really solid marriage, is that you need to take “self” out of it completely! Serve your spouse and love them…even when they get on your nerves…even when they make you mad…even when they hurt your feelings.
That is how Jesus showed his love for us. Biblically speaking, we are to model our marriage relationship after Jesus’ relationship to the church. He never said, “You know, I need to work on me for awhile. I’ll come back and try to love you when I find a happy place with myself.” Praise God for his loving mercy! Ladd made sure to mention the importance knowing your real self worth:
“For the sake of your marriage, it’s vitally important that you recognize your eternal worth and value. Why? If you don’t recognize your personal value in Christ, you will tend to look to your spouse for your value—even demand it. But depending on your husband (or wife) to make you feel good about yourself will only lead to fear, disappointment, and unmet needs.”
Nancy Leigh DeMoss also address this myth in her book “Lies Women Believe.” She says:
“We don’t hate ourselves, nor do we need to learn to love ourselves. We need to learn how to deny ourselves, so we can do that which does not come naturally- to truly love God and others. Our malady is not ‘low self-esteem,’ nor is it how we view ourselves; rather, it is our low view of God. Our problem isn’t so much a ‘poor self-image’ as it is a ‘poor God-image.’ Our need is not to love ourselves more but to receive His incredible love for us and to accept His design and purpose for our lives.”
“Deny ourselves”… Isn’t that so opposite to everything the media and society preaches to us daily? Instead, we get messages like “treat yourself”, “why wait?”, “you deserve it”, “indulge yourself”, “bigger houses are what you need”, “
Myth #3: “I can fall out of love with my spouse”.
You know you’ve heard this one…perhaps even thought it yourself. The phrase “we just fell out of love” is often heard around the entrance to divorce court. Since no court will write “they just fell out of love” into court record, they end up citing “irreconcilable differences” instead. Here’s the deal…the word “love” is not a noun, it’s a verb. It’s an action you take everyday with intent and as Ladd says “true love doesn’t mean having a relationship of ease; it means making the continual choice to love and forgive.”
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Society tells us a lot of silly things about marriage. These myths are really just the tip of the iceberg. If you find yourself leaning into one of these myths, take a step back and really examine what is the underlining issue? Often this beginning time of doubt is simply the result of unmet (usually unspoken) expectations. What exactly do you expect from your spouse? Do they know? What do they expect from you? Do you know? Maybe you have yet to clearly define what is expected in your marriage?
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